Monday Gaming Diary – WE WERE ON A BREAK!

Oh yeah, get ready for a really girly entry this week about my romance situation in Mass Effect 3. If you don’t want any paramour spoilers for your FemShep, then go on ahead and leave now. Or if you hate girly topics, feel free to come back tomorrow when I write about how much I hated Final Fantasy XIII-2. That will happen, I promise.

Still here? Okay, let’s get down to the mushy stuff.

I actually have 3 different Shepards because I’m that much of a nut for the game. But for my first playthrough of Mass Effect 3, I’m using my original Shepard, a woman Paragon. In the first game, I romanced Kaidan, mainly because I couldn’t romance Garrus. However, after talking to Kaidan, I really, really started to like his character. When I saw him on Horizon in ME2, I was so excited. And then he had to break my heart. No really, he did. I was far more devastated about what he said to Shepard on Horizon and in email than Shepard was. He yelled at Shepard for not letting him know she was alive. Then he called her a complete betrayal for what they worked toward since she’s with Cerberus. I wanted Shepard to yell back so badly, “I WAS DEAD! I COULDN’T FUCKING CALL!”

And then, if that wasn’t enough, he has to send the following email, effectively breaking up with her:

Shepard,

I’m sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I’d finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?

Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don’t know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me… maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can’t just put that aside.

But please be careful. I’ve watched too many people close to me die — on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn’t bear it if I lost you again. If you’re still the woman I remember I know you’ll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself.

When things settle down a little… maybe… I don’t know. Just take care.

–Kaidan

That said to me that Kaidan was never coming back. Like I said, it upset me far more than it upset Shepard. I know it’s sad, but I’m so incredibly invested in these characters and their relationships with Shepard and with one another.

I honestly had no interest in romancing anyone in ME2 after that. When the romance options opened up, I wasn’t interested until it appeared I could romance Garrus. Here’s someone I always liked, and he has remained completely loyal to Shepard, despite the Cerberus situation. He’s also a character that I always take with me on every mission, even from back in the first game. Garrus was so cute and awkward during the whole courtship it was hard not to really like him.

So then ME3. Kaidan appears in the beginning. I’m instantly, “Aw, shit.” He keeps looking back at Shepard, she keeps looking at him, ugh this was going to be hard. Of course, Kaidan being Kaidan, he confronted Shepard right away about being the same person after Cerberus. Then of course, he nearly gets killed and Shepard has to go see him in the hospital. When he asks about Garrus, I honestly had no idea what to say. I chose the Paragon answer, and ended up apologizing. WTF. I have nothing to feel sorry about. When she apologized for hurting Kaidan, I got behind that. He held her hand and said he was sorry about Horizon, so of course I’m thinking, huh, maybe.

Of course, seeing Garrus again changed all that. He didn’t make it easy either, with all the hand holding when he first saw Shepard and saying how he couldn’t bear to lose her. I instantly felt horrible that I was stringing both of these guys along. I’ve never been in that situation in real life–so dateless for so long in high school and college–so I really didn’t know what to do except the chickenshit method: put them both off until the last possible minute.

Then last night…

I met with Kaidan for dinner at the Citadel, and he instantly goes into the talk. Was definitely not ready for that. I wanted to say, “Um, can we talk about this after we save the world? We’re kind of busy right now.” But then, he said he understood why I cheated.

Hold the phone. Understood why I cheated? CHEATED? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WE WERE ON A BREAK! No, wait, scratch that. We weren’t on a break; we were broken up. You can’t call me a betrayal, tell me you’re moving on in an email, and then not expect me to do the same. What kind of double standard is this shit?

You know what? Forget it, and forget Kaidan. I instantly ended it. I’d rather keep Shepard with the one character who stood by her in both previous games. Loyalty is very important to me, and I was rankled to the core that Kaidan would dare say that my Shepard was not loyal to him and cheated on him.

So yes, I’ve chosen Garrus once again. Know what really made me feel good about my decision? (Aside from the fact that he has hilarious dialogue with other Normandy members) when he decided to “have the talk,” he didn’t accuse Shepard of anything. He said, “I know you’ve needed some time to sort out us, and I wanted to give you that time.” So yeah, he knew Shepard was talking to Kaidan and was willing to let that play out. He didn’t accuse Shepard of two-timing or leading anyone on (even though I admit I was making her do just that), which just proves he’s such an incredible character.

Now if Kaidan hadn’t been such an ass, I don’t know what I would have decided. That probably makes me horrible, but eh, okay. Actually, I probably would have chosen one, and then played again with the same import to choose another. At least in video games, I can eat my cake and have it too.

Cheated. Still seething over that.